


Bucky Barnes: Alien

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alien Sex, Alternate Universe - Aliens, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bucky is an alien, Crack, Dom Steve Rogers, Dom/sub Undertones, M/M, Minor Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, Self-Lubrication, Spanking, Sub Bucky Barnes, Top Steve Rogers, as in very light dom/sub, blink and you'll miss it honestly, i wrote this to prove a point, like seriously just pure crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 05:30:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8565847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Bucky Barnes is an alien sent with his team to study human sex. With Steve Rogers, he gets more than he bargained for.AKA: I wrote this entire fic while listening to Katy Perry's "E.T.", please don't judge me





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in response to someone saying a while back that my Stucky Big Bang fic's premise was "too unrealistic." Like OKAY, you want unrealistic, you've got unrealistic. For example:
> 
> 1). Why do the aliens have the same age scale as us?
> 
> 2). Why do they have pretty much the same anatomy, down to apparently Bucky having a prostate?
> 
> 3). Why do they have the same concept of sexual orientation that we do when even different human cultures don't?
> 
> 4). How would the aliens avoid spreading freaky intergalactic STDs to everyone in the known universe?
> 
> 5). Why did they only stay one night? Wouldn't the mission be longer than that?
> 
> 6). Why do they have human names?
> 
> And so on. I've given this a lot of thought. Feel free to add on to this list in the comments, I welcome you pointing out all my freaky inaccuracies. They're kind of the point of the fic.

Bucky has known the drill since day one of his training.

Mission: Visit new planets and sleep with the occupants.

Objective: Learn firsthand about how other species procreate.

Problem: It’s Bucky’s first time and he’s nervous as shit.

As far as life in this galaxy goes, Bucky has been immensely privileged. His species, a highly intelligent race that would be described by Earth-dwellers as “humanoid,” has long since put war behind them in favor of advancing their own knowledge. And one of the things they, as a species, are most curious about, is biology. Specifically, sex.

So people like Bucky, highly trained individuals who are given the information they need to seamlessly find a willing partner to experiment with, go out into the galaxy armed with the tools they need to study the mating habits of other intelligent species.

Bucky has been training for this moment, his first assignment, since his late teen years, and now the moment has come and he thinks he might throw up from nerves.

“Barnes,” says his mentor with no preamble, “you’ve been called here because we think you’re ready to be assigned a mission.”

Bucky gulps. He knew this day was coming, but he still feels woefully unprepared.

Ignoring Bucky’s apparent nerves, his mentor continues. “You and a team, led by Romanoff, will go to planet Earth to study their mating habits.”

“But sir, we already know—”

“Oh, we know the basics of heterosexual sex by now. But we want you and your team to delve deeper into more nuanced areas of human sexuality. In particular, we don’t know much about the specifics of their LGBT community. We figured, given that you’re, to quote you, ‘gay as hell,’ it would be the perfect first mission for you.”

Well then. He did say that, at one point, and he’s glad they’re going to let him stick to his preference, but still…he’s not sure if he’s ready.

“You’re ready, I’m sure of it,” his mentor says, and Bucky realizes both that he accidentally said that out loud and that this is really happening. Well, if this is how it’s gonna be, he might as well prepare, mentally and physically.

“You have a long trip ahead of you, so I suggest you start packing now,” his mentor continues, and then dismisses him with a wave of the hand. Bucky nods to him and backs out of the room, clicking the door shut behind him. He takes a few moments on the other side of the door to collect himself. This is fine. More than fine, really. He’s been preparing for this moment for years so why let it bother him now?

Well. He knows why.

It’s not that he’s a straight up virgin. Of course not, it would be ridiculous in his line of work. But he’s never been on a mission before, never seduced someone not of his species in order to study what they do in a sexual situation. What if he fucks it up? What if he can’t figure out the slight differences in anatomy? What if, what if, what if? But this is the job he’s chosen and he’s gonna have to figure this out sometime. It’ll be a learning experience, he tells himself.

He packs thoroughly but concisely and ends up with three bags to get him through to the end of the mission. The next morning he meets the rest of the team outside by the spaceship and listens as his mentor briefs them.

As he straps himself into his seat and they prepare for takeoff, he looks around at his teammates, Natasha and Clint. It’s a small group, the perfect size for a mission like this. Oddly enough, Natasha and Clint are in a weird sort of relationship, which is rare for people who do what they do. Usually anyone in their profession is too caught up in their research to have more than one night stands.

The flight takes about a week at faster than light speed (they’re a very high tech species) before they’re touching down on Earth. They land safely in the Atlantic Ocean, just off the coast of New York. They reach land and find the hotel that’s been booked for them by the members of their species that stay on Earth full time to help visitors blend in, taking turns with the shower before Natasha insists they dive right into the assignment despite the long trip they just finished. Earth phones are waiting for each of them to use in the hotel room and Bucky grabs his, quickly figuring out how to work the thing and searching for the nearest gay bar. The team follows the directions and gain admission easily, looking around in the dim lighting and taking it all in.

“I say we split up, everyone try to find a partner and if you can’t, come back to the hotel and we’ll try again in the morning.”

“O-okay,” says Bucky, reluctant to lose contact with his friends in an unfamiliar city on an unfamiliar planet. However, his teammates soon drift off and he’s left standing awkwardly by himself by the wall. That just won’t do. He makes his way tentatively to the bar and orders a beer because he knows what that is and all the other drink names puzzle him.

He’s nursing his drink, rapidly losing faith in the idea that he might find a test subject tonight, when he feels a warm body leaning in close to him. He looks up to see quite possibly the most strikingly handsome man he’s ever seen. His blond hair is swept back off his face and his sturdy jaw is dotted with stubble. And those arms… 

“You’ve been working on that drink a while. Mind if I buy you another?”

Bucky blinks. Is he…is he really gonna get this lucky? Is this beautiful, beautiful man seriously trying to pick him up? “I…yeah, sure.”

The man catches the attention of the bartender and orders two more beers before turning to Bucky. “So what’s your name?”

“James, but you can call me Bucky, everyone but my friend Natasha does.”

“Nice to meet you, Bucky, I’m Steve.”

God, this guy’s voice is so deep and warm and gentle and it makes Bucky feel all gooey inside. He’s not really sure what to do about it, but luckily this guy seems to have a good handle on the situation.

Steve reaches out and places a hand on Bucky’s knee. Bucky looks down at the hand before looking back up at Steve. “Tell me if anything I’m about to do isn’t okay with you, alright?” Steve says, and Bucky nods briskly and then Steve’s mouth is on his and  _ oh. _

When Steve’s tongue grazes Bucky’s lips, Bucky’s mouth opens almost automatically to grant it entrance. He moans softly at the feeling and Steve’s fingers wrap themselves into Bucky’s hair.

“Wanna get out of here?” Steve murmurs and Bucky can only nod, not trusting his voice.

They’re in the back of a cab and halfway to Steve’s apartment before either of them speak again. Steve leans in, lips brushing Bucky’s ear, and softly murmurs, “So tell me what you like.”

Bucky smirks. “Whatever you do.”

Steve’s eyebrows raise. “Oh, so it’s like that? I think I like you.”

They pull up in front of Steve’s building and he pays the cab driver before following Bucky out of the car. They rush up to Steve’s place, Steve’s arm curled around Bucky’s shoulders, and as soon as the door closes behind them, Steve pushes Bucky up against it, kissing down his neck. Bucky gasps and pulls Steve closer, as if that’s even possible at this point, and feels himself already getting hard.

Steve notices and smirks down at Bucky before sinking to his knees and undoing Bucky’s jeans with steady hands. He makes eye contact through his thick lashes as he pulls Bucky’s pants down and catches Bucky’s leaking cock into his mouth. He bobs his head up and down a few times, swallowing around Bucky’s length, and Bucky lets out a shuddering moan, tilting his head back and letting his eyes flutter shut.

As Steve licks and sucks at Bucky’s dick with that wonderful mouth of his, Bucky gets closer and closer to his climax. Right when he’s about to issue Steve a warning, Steve unexpectedly pulls off his cock and stands. Bucky whines in protest and Steve gives him a stern look. “I don’t want you to come just yet,” he says. “We’ve got all night. But if you’re good, you can come once I’m finished with you.”

Steve’s words send a shiver of pleasure down Bucky’s spine as he follows Steve to the bedroom. Steve leads Bucky over to the bed and pulls off Bucky’s leather jacket, then his soft gray t-shirt, then pushes his pants and underwear the rest of the way down his hips, leaving Bucky completely naked and vulnerable before him. As Steve drops Bucky’s pants to the floor, there’s a clunk.

Oh yeah.

Bucky forgot he still had his probe in his back pocket. It’s for measuring the oxygen saturation of class M planets because they’re supposed to be doing other research while they’re there anyway, and he must have just left it there in his pocket on the way out.

Steve leans down to pick it up and holds it up in the air, studying it in the lamplight. “What have we here?” he says, and Bucky’s prepared to give him an honest answer when he switches it on and it starts to vibrate.

See, that’s the thing about oxygen probes. They very strongly resemble and function like human vibrators. So now Steve is gonna think he’s some kind of sex freak who just carries a vibrating dildo with him at all times. But Steve doesn’t look disturbed. Instead, he has a wicked twinkle in his eye.

“Did someone come prepared?”

“I…um…”

Steve looks at Bucky expectantly and Bucky can’t take the pressure.

“I’m an alien from another planet!” he blurts out.

Steve arches an eyebrow.

“I’m an alien and that’s an...oxygen probe…” He realizes as he’s saying it that this probably is not coming off how he intended it to at all. Steve is just looking amused now.

“Is that so?” says Steve. “And what planet would you happen to be from?” He’s still holding the vibrating probe.

“I come from the planet Noplore. We’ve…” He simultaneously realizes that Steve is going to take anything he says as a weird roleplay scenario, and that he could probably actually learn a lot if he goes along with that, so he sighs and continues anyway. “We’ve been sent to Earth to study human sex practices. And you’re my chosen subject.”

Steve walks up to the bed, vibrating probe still in his hand, and reaches his other hand into the cleft of Bucky’s ass, fingering at the hole. It’s slick with arousal, which Bucky knows doesn’t happen to humans, and he’s sure Steve will realize he was serious and recoil in horror. Instead, Steve’s pupils darken and he says, “And you’ve prepared yourself already? You’re so good, Bucky.” He slides the vibrating probe into Bucky’s ass, and  _ fuck _ that feels good, why did Bucky never think to do that? Oh yeah, because it’s a highly delicate scientific instrument. Oh well. Their budget can easily cover another one if this one gets messed up.

Bucky lets out a shaky moan as Steve pushes the probe in further. He distantly thinks about the irony, that he’s the alien in this situation and yet  _ he’s _ the one getting probed. But he can’t really be bothered to care, not when “God, Steve, m’gonna—”

“No, you’re not,” Steve says, promptly pulling the probe out and switching it off. Bucky  _ whines _ at the loss, but Steve clearly isn’t finished with him yet. Steve, who is still fully clothed. Bucky mumbles something to this effect which gets him an affectionate eye roll and the visual of Steve whipping off his shirt to reveal the most impressive muscles Bucky has ever seen. Then Steve slides his pants down his hips and his cock bobs free and Bucky has never seen anything more mouthwatering. It’s huge and leaking slightly and Bucky wants it inside him. It must show on his face clear as day because Steve smirks and says, “Soon, Buck. Be patient.”

Steve leans over Bucky and kisses him almost tenderly, sucking Bucky’s lower lip into his mouth and tugging at it with his teeth. Then, his lips brushing Bucky’s ear and his breath tickling, he whispers, “Flip over onto your hands and knees.”

Bucky complies, resting his weight on his elbows with his ass in the air. He’s rewarded for his efforts with a kiss on the neck, followed by a smack to his right asscheek. He cries out at the sensation and Steve immediately murmurs, “Okay?”

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” Bucky replies, so Steve does it again, this time to the left side. The sting shoots up Bucky’s spine and the mix of pain and pleasure goes straight to his dick. He looks over his shoulder just as he feels Steve’s tongue at his rim. He gasps at the sensation, head whipping back to the front as he arches his back as best as he can in this position. He knows he’s already wet and loose and he knows Steve knows it too, so Steve must be doing it just because he wants to get his mouth on him. Which makes it that much hotter.

Steve starts off teasing, just the tip of his tongue circling Bucky’s hole and sending shivers up his spine. Soon, though, he’s pressing more firmly, his tongue pushing past the ring of muscle, and Bucky groans with pleasure. Steve takes that as his cue to stop, and fuck this man but also… _ fuck _ this man. Steve roughly pushes him back onto his back and Bucky flops down onto the mattress, looking up at Steve with glassy, dilated eyes. Steve, hovering over Bucky, reaches into the bedside drawer and pulls out a condom, apparently not thinking lube is necessary which at this point is probably wise, as Bucky is dripping with arousal and he’s honestly shocked Steve hasn’t figured anything out by now. At least he’s hot.

Steve rolls the condom on quickly and lines himself up with Bucky’s slick hole. “Ready, babe?” he asks, and Bucky can only nod as Steve thrusts in, slowly, painfully slowly, until he’s fully inside Bucky. They’re both gasping as Steve slowly begins to move, grazing that perfect spot inside Bucky every few thrusts. Bucky’s thighs are shaking as he tries to hold himself together, because Steve hasn’t said he can come yet and he wants to do good for Steve.

A few minutes go by of just the sound of their heavy breathing and the smacking of flesh against flesh before Steve brushes a lock of hair out of Bucky’s eyes and whispers, “You can come now, babe, you’ve been so good for me.” Bucky does immediately, shooting off what to humans would be an impressive amount of sperm. Like,  _ impressive. _ Steve’s face lights up with glee at the sight and he’s gasping and coming into the condom only a few moments later.

Spent, Steve flops down next to Bucky and pulls him into his arms. They lie there for a few minutes, catching their breath, before Steve mutters that they should probably shower and leads them to the bathroom. In the shower, Steve affectionately soaps Bucky up and rinses him off, then quickly does the same to himself before drying them and leading a pliant Bucky back to the bedroom.

As they lie in his bed, Steve looks slightly nervous, and Bucky props himself up on his elbow and says, “What’s up?”

“Well, I was just wondering…”

“Yeah?”

“Any chance I could get your number? You don’t have to say yes, I was just thinking that if this was as good for you as it was for me…”

Uh oh. Bucky furrows his brow, trying to think of what would hurt Steve less: to be let down here and now, or to be given a number that Bucky soon won’t be connected to. And then he realizes he still has his own personal...phone-like device that should be able to connect to Earth phones. So he gives Steve that number, because he’s selfish and because he’s already a little bit stupidly attached to this Earthling.

“I’m going on a long trip soon but I should be back sometime,” he tells Steve, and it’s technically the truth. Steve counts the number of digits in the odd looking phone number.

“This has an extra digit,” he says, looking confused.

“Yeah, that’s the…that’s supposed to be there. Just trust me. Here, give me your number too so if that doesn’t work I can call you in a few days or something.”

Steve looks increasingly confused but does as Bucky says. They fall asleep in each other’s arms and Bucky has never slept better in his life.

 

***

 

Steve wakes up the next morning to an empty bed and a note. Disappointed, he grabs the slip of paper and reads it: “Sorry, had to run. Like I said, long trip soon. Text me!”

Steve smiles sadly. Figures he’d have amazing chemistry with someone who was going to immediately leave. But they’ll have texting (who is he kidding, probably sexting too) and hopefully the chemistry will last until the next time Bucky is in town.

He opens his fridge only to discover he’s almost out of pretty much everything, so he gets quickly dressed and heads out to the grocery store. On his way over, he happens to look at the sky and see…fuck, is that a rocket taking off?

He thinks back to Bucky’s story last night: An alien sent to study human sex. And he thinks of all the little odd things about Bucky, like the probe and how slick he was, and his jaw drops. It’s just not possible. “You little shit,” he mutters as he whips out his phone and frantically texts the odd number he was given.  _ When you said you were an alien…I just thought I saw something taking off, that wouldn’t be you would it? Or am I insane? That was just roleplay right? _ And then immediately after:  _ No, ignore me, I just woke up, I’m losing my mind. _

He’s the rest of the way to the store before he receives a reply.  _ Told you. Long trip :) _

Steve shakes his head and wonders how classified this information is. His friends would never let him off the hook if they found out he’d kept this from them.

He just…fucked an alien. That’s…okay. He can live with that. He can definitely live with that.

He wonders idly how soon Bucky meant by “sometime.”

**Author's Note:**

> Even though this is crackity crack crack, I still welcome comments and kudos, they make me feel loved. My tumblr is hearteyesmonroe, come talk to me about these two idiots in love. Thanks for tolerating my weird alien porn if you made it this far!


End file.
